LAME.TV Christians

A Special Hymm

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, 

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, 

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, 
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, 
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Unwanted Visitor

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". 

Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. 
The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. 
The next Sunday the man returned. 
The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 
'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

"No Excuse!" Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":

- Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

- There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

- Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

- We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

- Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

- Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

- Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

- We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

- One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

- Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

- The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

- We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!

It's In The BIBLE!!

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. 
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. 
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.